These are my inner feelings which I haven't really shared (I think). My brother thought I was suicidal.. I could still joked when I asked him "you thought I was really under severe depression and suicidal?" I found it funny that my mom had exaggerated to him and told me how depressed I was etc..over the issue of "No Milk!" And they had to bring me up to my auntie; cousins..and even my family doctor when he asked where I was ... not that I'm ashamed of the whole thing.
Mom did ask me if my frustrations over this breastfeeding issue was indirectly vented on Athena (scolding her). I did explain it is two different entity, Athena's behaviour was tolerated over some time and some chances were given to her before I start scolding or smacking her.
Brother did ask me why I feel the way I feel. And to sum it up in a more concise manner :
► My guilt over Athena (never gave) turned into my regret for not persevering on with Aricia. I had it all good-flowing for me but I had to put the end myself.
► And my reasons for stopping direct breastfeeding were unfounded. I was bleeding from scar & blood from nipples (but still pumped - not conscientious though) and decided to stop, but turned out my scar didn't tear. " Life is full of "what ifs", if we can judge or tell what's is going to happen next then this world is then perfect. And then have you thought of the consequences, what if your scar really tear? Isn't this more important than breastmilk."
* words in red are quotes from brother's wisely advice *
► Athena has bronchitis which could be a heriditary thing from hubby who had childhood asthma. And research shows that breastfeeding can reduce the chances of asthma and other ailments. Probably she wasn't given any, that's why she got it. I wouldn't want Aricia to follow in her shoes. "Research are always one-sided. There are always 2 sides to a research, you read the positive sides of it."
► I wanted to "undo the wrong I did on Athena and give it to Aricia." "Do you think you're indirectly giving yourself stress and also stress to Aricia? Supposedly in other issues, eg. Athena can't do certain things.. you'll be putting the pressure on Aricia then making sure she does it or does better than her sister." (darn! that's bloody true man! Bad bad mummy...)
► I wasn't really that depressed depressed but rather sad. I won't harm myself or harm my child. I'm just thinking "why can't I do it?" "Supply doesn't come, if you have means you have." - another misconception until I explained to him Demand = Supply (oh man! They had better read up on BF before Ignatius is born. I think I'll be the parasite to them "oi, breastfeeding or not?Why dowan?..."hee!)
That explained my differing statements whenever I say "have have lor.... don't have don't have lor......." I'm never a fighter; always wanting the easy way out, but I just didn't want to surrender without fighting this war. Just don't ask me why? Probably because I felt this is the only chance for me to do it. Unless I have (accident child) number 3 then.. for sure no matter what happens I'll hang on to BF. Which I think Moo Han will be able to know how I kept changing my mind with relactate - yes or no.
At least in years to come, I can relate my story and perhaps I should relate my story to BMSG - who also did gave me some advice when I ran into some problems while BF. See! I told you, I didn't want history to repeat itself so I've made attempts to contact BMSG before I gave birth.
A fighter that meant to be bragged about to the whole world? No, not really.. I would prefer to remain humble. I choose to tell so as to convey the message that :
- it doesn't matter if you've done something wrong. Share it with the people around you, you'll be surprised with the number of supporters coming up and the various suggestions you get at the end of the day.
- if giving it up is so easy, then life is never filled with challenges
- it makes you stronger emotionally and mentally
Mom did ask me if my frustrations over this breastfeeding issue was indirectly vented on Athena (scolding her). I did explain it is two different entity, Athena's behaviour was tolerated over some time and some chances were given to her before I start scolding or smacking her.
Brother did ask me why I feel the way I feel. And to sum it up in a more concise manner :
► My guilt over Athena (never gave) turned into my regret for not persevering on with Aricia. I had it all good-flowing for me but I had to put the end myself.
► And my reasons for stopping direct breastfeeding were unfounded. I was bleeding from scar & blood from nipples (but still pumped - not conscientious though) and decided to stop, but turned out my scar didn't tear. " Life is full of "what ifs", if we can judge or tell what's is going to happen next then this world is then perfect. And then have you thought of the consequences, what if your scar really tear? Isn't this more important than breastmilk."
* words in red are quotes from brother's wisely advice *
► Athena has bronchitis which could be a heriditary thing from hubby who had childhood asthma. And research shows that breastfeeding can reduce the chances of asthma and other ailments. Probably she wasn't given any, that's why she got it. I wouldn't want Aricia to follow in her shoes. "Research are always one-sided. There are always 2 sides to a research, you read the positive sides of it."
► I wanted to "undo the wrong I did on Athena and give it to Aricia." "Do you think you're indirectly giving yourself stress and also stress to Aricia? Supposedly in other issues, eg. Athena can't do certain things.. you'll be putting the pressure on Aricia then making sure she does it or does better than her sister." (darn! that's bloody true man! Bad bad mummy...)
► I wasn't really that depressed depressed but rather sad. I won't harm myself or harm my child. I'm just thinking "why can't I do it?" "Supply doesn't come, if you have means you have." - another misconception until I explained to him Demand = Supply (oh man! They had better read up on BF before Ignatius is born. I think I'll be the parasite to them "oi, breastfeeding or not?Why dowan?..."hee!)
That explained my differing statements whenever I say "have have lor.... don't have don't have lor......." I'm never a fighter; always wanting the easy way out, but I just didn't want to surrender without fighting this war. Just don't ask me why? Probably because I felt this is the only chance for me to do it. Unless I have (accident child) number 3 then.. for sure no matter what happens I'll hang on to BF. Which I think Moo Han will be able to know how I kept changing my mind with relactate - yes or no.
At least in years to come, I can relate my story and perhaps I should relate my story to BMSG - who also did gave me some advice when I ran into some problems while BF. See! I told you, I didn't want history to repeat itself so I've made attempts to contact BMSG before I gave birth.
A fighter that meant to be bragged about to the whole world? No, not really.. I would prefer to remain humble. I choose to tell so as to convey the message that :
- it doesn't matter if you've done something wrong. Share it with the people around you, you'll be surprised with the number of supporters coming up and the various suggestions you get at the end of the day.
- if giving it up is so easy, then life is never filled with challenges
- it makes you stronger emotionally and mentally
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