The week of sobs

Monday - 5th
Just as I thought my girl is so good > Aricia cried! "Waah.....I want mummy........." (according to KZ) and I am happy. Crazy mother!! Coz I feel wanted.
Actually I think she cried so pitiful coz' KZ was playing with her prior to it, too much idling time. Should have just drop and go. Sorry if the word "drop" sounds very abrupt.

Picked her up, and drove to park at Blk 60+ carpark to feed her lunch. She ate only two small bowls and told me she's tried. Within 1 mins she fell asleep. Wow! She was that tired. I read my book in the car. Not much time left between 12.30 and so called 1.30pm. Go somewhere to gai-gai is basically a waste of time ( by the time I park the car etc...) Hmm.. perhaps can bring her to library. See how it goes.
I'm going easy this week coz' I need to do all the trial and errors before I know what my routine would be like for the rest of my life time till I surrender and decide to go back working.

In the car, I was commenting to Athena that she didn't heed to my advice - she should look out for my car. I will try but it's difficult to spot her amongst all the blue-pinafore students and moreover I will need to move fast to avoid any jam behind.
A : Yah, mummy I look.. I look here and there (actioned left and right)
M: No, I noticed, you were looking more to your left hand side. You should be looking to your right. All the cars are coming from the right.
A : Mummy I got look both sides.
M : Look to your right! Why look to your left when those cars are what you saw earlier? This is a one lane road, all the cars will only come from right side. Look at your watch now, this should be the time I will reach your gate.

Pray hard for improvements tomorrow.

We reached home at 2.15pm. Like Swiss precision, I told her that she has to quickly have her meals and shower if she wants to accompany me. She has to finish everything by 3pm - not too much to ask from her. As usual, nagged and nagged. Almost on time for Ros class.
I'm also trying to see if Aricia will doze off in class..

Reached home at around 5pm, I allowed them to play. "Only this week", I said. "Until I work out both your time-table." I need time to recharge too! This is how my life will be.

Tuesday - 6th
The night before I briefed KZ "don't have to follow me". I told hubby I have no intention to walk Athena in to school, I have briefly gave her an idea what she had to do since it's a repetition of yesterday. He kept quiet.
An hour later, he told me "better ask KZ to follow you one more day. Dunno how she (Athena) will cope." I resist coz' I have this fear... I understand my girl and through my observation on Monday I think she might cry.
But when I came out of the room, I saw KZ all dressed. Huh? Maybe hubby told her and she's caught in between us? Let her follow for one last time, for me to act like a tai-tai too.

Walked with Athena and we were going in, Ms A the VP was standing at the gate and initiated "Today mummy cannot go into the school." I must be the randomly picked 'suay' mother to be stopped. And then as usual, she brought out her talent - C-R-Y. Gripped on to my top, real jialat. Ms A asked an older girl to help bring her in, that girl stood there waiting to see the mini TCS (eh... TCL - Ting Chow Ling) drama. Ms A sent the girl away, later stopped another girl to help. TCL drama continues.. Mrs Tan, the Principal, happened to come by offered to help her. Ai yoh... I'll be a well- known mother in school. 'She's the cry baby's mother'. Anyway, I was able to walk her in after that coz' both P and VP walked away and I sneaked in with other mummies.
My lao-shi was there (I still greet her "lao shi") and she saw her for the first time,"so she's your daughter?"..."why are you crying again today? Yesterday you cried; today you cried." "She cried yesterday? Is that why she was brough to the back?" "Yes."Ah ha! Girl didn't dare to tell me. I felt so ashamed. Yah lor, become a well-known mummy. The cry baby (Athena) and the naughty girl (Aricia) mummy. Maybe I should try to build a better relationship with both Mrs Tan and Ms A now.
Needless to say, I made a quick exit. Anyway not many mummies are there today. Bumped into M's (her classmate) mummy on my way out. She was worried about her child but her child is doing fine. I really envy those parents who have sensible children. On the other hand, I can't wait to "open the door, kick her out and leave" - that kind of mentality. Reverse psychology!

Went over to Aricia's school, they were playing in the indoor playground. She came over to hug me, I didn't want to hug her that long. Please don't call me heartless, I just wanted to make her parting less emotional.
After some time, I actioned to KZ to go off. It's really amazing, the practice of ESP and telepathy training with Aricia - she actually felt it!! At that time her back was facing us, she was looking at her friends playing. A while after I actioned to KZ, she turned with her expression changed. Ran to me "mummy......hug hug..." She cried buckets.
How I felt?
I was happy that she wanted me, I was sad that she cried so pitifully. She must have felt so traumatic.

The sisters are in unison - YOU CRY, I CRY - today

Picked mei-mei up at 12.15pm. Eyes red, she was crying on/off. Plus there was another new girl, when that girl starts crying; she cries. When she saw me, she screamed "mummy...." with that sobbing tone. My heart wrenched, quickly think positively coz' I think we do have telepathy. I must feel strong for her to be strong. But it's that conflicting feeling I have.. know what I mean?
I gave her bread in the car. She ate a little and fell asleep in the car. Hmm... I thought to myself, if I keep doing this all the time I'm going to be spending alot of money on idling car = petrol lost for keeping the car air-conditioned.

This time round, I went at 1.30pm only to be told by the hired warden that I wait till 1.45pm to come in. I think it's ridiculous! At that time I noticed the traffic weren't that bad as yesterday. Probably coz' I came in from St Patrick's direction. I parked and walked out. By then, it wasn't even 1.40pm and the cars were moving smoothly. I walked back to the car and drove over. They didn't stop me.
She was outside, and much better this time round (looked to the right). I spotted her asking her FT "can I go now, can I go now?" Mrs Tan was there to help again.

Taught her how to pin her nametag. Ran through what she's suppose to do. Hubby came back at that time, heard me chiding her. Why? Patiently taught her how to pin, she kept complaining "I cannot, I cannot.." even before trying. He kept quiet, didn't even interfere. If he did, he'd say "cannot cannot lah! Why force her." Perhaps he knows I'm trying to teach her to be more independent. Of course I had to, especially when he travels so often and I'm running the household by myself. He better not chide me, I chide him back. Guess how long it took her to learn? I showed her so many times, she tried to stop me from un-pinning it. Hee! I told her, don't pin it; don't come out of the room. So being harsh with her helps. She managed it after that.

Wednesday - 7th
Much better today, but... she was deliberately trying to stall time. When I asked her to unfasten her seatbelt, she frowned and refused.(when normally she likes to unfasten her seatbelt as quickly as possible) Asked her to get ready to carry her bag, she refused. I was getting edgy and told her off, thanks to the security guard, she helped me to carry that girl's bag out while i SCREAMED to Athena to unfasten her seatbelt and hold her hand to bring her out. I stalled the traffic - I think. No choice, she stood at the gate, saw me driving off & I waved goodbye to her.

At the advice of Teacher Rin, I went over at 12.15pm to pick Aricia up. She was so happy to see me. They said she only cried the morning I dropped her off, and stopped at breakfast time.
My PR consultant was happy, said goodbye to everyone including the helpers there.

Brought her to McDonalds for a snack. And then went over to pick che-che up at same timing. Also to be told, come back at 1.40pm. This time round I came in (again) from St Patrick's Road), probably if I came in from the main Martia Road, they wouldn't re-direct me?!?! And I parked again, walked over with mei-mei in tow. Stupid! The cars were moving!! But never mind, I decide to walk on foot to walk her to the car. At the same time to observe the traffic flow, time check - 3.37pm.

Back home, she quickly ran through her checklist and prepared everything in the afternoon. Proudly told me she had chicken rice today which she managed to finish way before recess time is over. Her buddy asked if she wanted to play, she said she's tired. Old lady!
After which she had to read her Chinese textbook. I couldn't tahan .. last night was trying to finish up the tags for mei-mei. I fell asleep to recharge myself. Left at 6+ for TM for her music lesson. Had my dinner.I explained to her again, I don't know how many times I've briefed her, that all mummies are not allowed in class. "Mummy, you sit outside and wait for me ok?" "Ok" (actually was thinking of doing some shopping)
JXC - We're allowed for that less than 10 mins in the class and then we had to leave the class. Ai doh! She held onto my hand and cried!! I hate this! Every mummy's in shock with her response. Even S said "she's from child-care centre you know." Precisely that's my point! My dear readers, I'm not lying and when I write this blog with anger and hatred and what nots, I really mean it.
I explained that even for Berries class, she'll cling onto me and cry - when she's there for more than a year.They are surprised.
Honestly I don't know if I should be ashamed (or perhaps we're both thick-skinned) with her behaviour. I get comments like "she knows she's mummy's girl". Of course they're both mummy's girls. I hear S comment that her girl, J, shoo-ed her away. Another mummy said she didn't prepare her girl, but I noticed her girl is doing well. I am envious. Nobody's child is as useless as mine!! You may think this word "useless' is too harsh but it's a fact!
Perhaps no one can understand how I feel, when I blog I only write I can't express my feelings out. So what if I manage to express it out? I still get the same thing day in/day out. I get (helpful) advice from parents but really it's no use. I can understand how much they've tried to advice me, they've all been tried and tested - no use! Their children are so brave.. I think I should just give her up for adoption - otherwise 我给她气死 - Honestly not only I say she's useless, hubby also said that. Yes, negative upbringing on our part but if you're tasked with a child like her trust me, you'd say the same thing to her. Tried to think positive, tried to talk to her positive also no use. If you're tasked if one child who after all the coaxing (until your patience run out) and still refuse to listen - you'll be so mad with her that you feel like killing her. When you're tasked with a child who keeps hugging your legs and cry her lungs out every week for her enrichment classes etc.. you feel like strangling her there and then. So you can guess how many times other parents have seen me flaring up in public; screaming at her. No matter how well dressed I am, trying hard to be a tai-tai, my Ah-Soh nature just comes in. You see one mad mother screaming her head off; bundled hair which started to drop; make-up that seems to have gone off.
Reading others' blogs, I can't help but think "are they really that fortunate to have sensible children". Perhaps they hide certain things afterall it's never easy to bring up kids but I've seen with my own eyes how well and easy their life are. Anyone wants to adopt a child?? Haha! I think no takers now after they read this. This will also explain why the different treatments I give to both my girls.

Thursday - 8th
This time round she's better, I cited the day before's scenerio, she got her bag ready and the moment I stopped the car, she frowned but I was shouting "now!" Perhaps you would think that I should just walk her in to school.. no! I'm not going to give her false hope. Plus I've been trying hard to wince her off my legs, doing this will only create more problems for myself. Also, imagine I have that lil' one tagging along. Very troublesome! The short walk will definitely see me nagging at the both of them.
Aricia cried again. I called the school 5 mins later to remind them to pack my tupperware (left the day before) in her bag, was told she stopped crying. I don't know how true it is. I mean, if she keeps on crying it'll also reflect on them right? But I'm not afraid, I'm very proud and confident of her.

The front seat's messy today. I have my books, I have their bags of food.
Today's a mad day for me. Her first Shichida class for the term, in a new class, in a new centre. Athena's first Berries (worry again) in a new class.
Fed Aricia udon in the car (must remember to pack in battery-operated fans), she slept; I read. Drove off at 1.30pm and although I had to wait in line to pick her up, I wasn't diverted. At 1.35pm I was at her gate. I get an idea now.. so told her to wait for me around this time, she needn't stand infront to wait for me for 15 mins coz' I'll be stuck for sure. She was happy, shouted goodbye to her FT.

Using "the thank God for" KPE, I changed to PIE and within less than half an hour I reached HDB Hub. Parked and tried to orientate myself with the colour-coded carpark.
I poured the soup into Athena's udon and brought it up for her. No homework and I forgot to pack in her assessment books, I told her she's free to play on her own today or rest before her class. Brought her in but there's no seats inside. + no food allowed in the lounge area, I brought her out to an area outside the lift. I waited a while before making my move. She koala-ed me me again. Cried like I was about to throw her away. Thank goodness, one Indonesian helper saw and quickly helped me. She brought Athena to her place to let her continue her meals.
Aricia's class ?? Write about it later.
After I came out, Athena was in the lounge area and in her hand she has a paper boat. She told me the aunty (helper) gave it to her and she went off already. I didn't even have the chance to thank her again. She wanted snacks, we packed for her but she didn't want and asked me to buy bread for her. Tried a quick but it was draggy & frustrating walk to Polar (Aricia kept walking away, hold her hand she releases my grip. Then sometimes she walk awhile she decides she wants to crawl on the floor, sit on the floor, lie on the floor. Wah piang eh........I'm already so kan-cheong). Though Aricia's class officially ends at 3.40pm, we ended at 3.50pm. Athena's class is at 5pm. Yes, yes I know I drive and I shouldn't complain. Not complaining but coz' I needed to try the new route via Serangoon from Toa Payoh, so worry if I'll be late. Not too bad, 15 mins earlier but usually their class starts 15 mins earlier with the reading and checking homework. And she didn't want me to leave the place with the usual cry and drama. The new teacher said in chinese "oh! it's her first day today? It's okay.... come." "What first day! She's here for one year already! Doing this all the time! I packed Aricia's homework out with me, wondering if I should bring her back home to shower and then come back to pick Athena up. Or perhaps will see how, hopefully she gets better (you think so? I don't think so) and then I'll go back home.
During the wait : Athena came out 3 times to the toilet check on me. I chatted with F and another new mummy, P. See lah! I said I wanted to be a proud bitch I ended up making friends again.
Did her homework, not all but I think I can leave some for other day. And then she decides to kill her mother. She learnt that she could jump into me from the floor and was abusing me for the next 20 mins. My girl, though small, is a little heavier now. I am tired!

Reached home at 7pm, the children were shouting for KZ downstairs and she came down. Very timely! I asked her to help me bring them up while I do a quick clean-up. (yah yah.. should ask her to clean up the car right. But I think I prefer to clean up than to feed that 'difficult to feed' Aricia.) I wanted to save time by letting the children eat in the car, I end up with a messy car.
It's 7.30+pm by the time I went back home, exhausted; totally drained!

KZ, seeing that I was exhausted, asked if she should follow me every Thursdays to help me feed Aricia. I don't find it feasible, not when I may decide to gym or gai-gai every Thursdays, she's going to follow me everywhere? And the other time (perhaps) is when Athena is waiting for us, all I need is her books to keep her occupied and perhaps a negotiation from the school if she could wait directly outside the classroom (Unlike Springleaf, they don't have seats outside the classroom) for me. Or she can take a short nap since it's a long day for her. I told KZ too, I didn't even have my lunch. If you were to follow me, you'll have to skip lunch too. In actual fact, I didn't have to think about another person going hungry, if she's around I am obligated to take time off for her lunch (and then mine) = more time wasted.
She suggested perhaps she can help me pick Aricia up first, I said "No. I need to go direct from school. If you pick her up and go back home, I'll have to go back home to pick her up to school." Then she asked if she should help to bring Aricia home first everyday by taking bus. Of course logistically it sounds tempting, but by the time she reach home, I'll be home too with Athena. It's okay, I can make use of the time to feed her lunch so she'll only shower when she gets back home.

Athena told me in the night too, she helped her classmate today. "Mummy, today I help Bonita carry her schoolbag. She very skinny, cannot carry her schoolbag, I help her. " I thought it was nice of her to help others and praised her for her actions and further said that I'm so proud of her. Her head swelled.... cloud 9. But wait! I didn't say wrongly.. it's schoolbag hor! Remember just a few days ago she complaint her bag was heavy and it's all empty inside?!?! She told me too, "mummy, I didn't cry in school."

She ran through the checklist herself without any prompting. She pinned her nametag herself and proudly told me "mummy, today I never poke my fingers. I finish fast fast also." She 'fed her dog with money' and I gave her another $1.50, she put in her wallet, put in pocket, sling it through her belt.

I'm tired with all the slips of papers from 2 schools. Hubby don't care a thing, I think when I'm dead he'll be lost as to what to do. A slip of paper from Athena school asking if we want to volunteer as Teacher aide. Sounds tempting, there's a section on helping in making resources for teachers. I still believe that both parents and teachers work hand-in-hand for the children. But will I have the time? Mum will think I'm crazy.....I think I'm crazy too.. as I have to prepare materials for Aricia. Think about this later.

Friday - 9th
Another day of solo, third day for this first week and I'm ready. I'm quite settled with the routine.

She had her bag ready and even before I could completely stop the car she opened the door, I had to tell her to wait. She waved goodbye to me and walked into the school compound. I am so proud of her but yet I worry about her PE - ah nia sure complain "tired, heart tik tuk tik tak".
Aricia clinged onto me when I tooked off her shoes, I'll give her time. Athena cried for 2 weeks so it's normal. But I think Aricia will cry for a while more before she stops, she'll probably break her sister's record.
I went to Macs for breakfast & do some reading. It's 7.40am now. This time, last year and the years before I'm still in kuning-land. Suddenly I have so much time to spare, so much time but restricted things to do. I can't shop; I can't go facials, I can't ... basically telling me to save $.
I think, I may not 100% understand children. What goes in their mind.
1) Teacher says she's not crying the moment she goes in.
a) they said so coz' it reflects on them if the child keeps crying and there's no way they can console the child
2) How exactly the children feel
a) There's no way I can test on this unless I am a preschool teacher and observe other children.
b) Is it really the "I see mummy, I will cry" fake cry. Or is it the real "why my mummy don't want me" cry..
3) Should I worry about it affecting her psychologically? Before it affects me
a) if it is, does it affect them long
b) is it coz' the more kan-cheong the parent/guardian is they feel it and pretend cry to console us. And then we see them cry, we heartpain. It's like we're the doer who started everything.

Whatever it is, I am somehow thankful my mom was there to help me with Athena in her early preschool days. But perhaps it was her grandmotherly love (grandmother vs mother treatment to grandchild/child is very different) that made Athena spoilt.?? I wish I can answer these doubts.
At the same time, I'm grateful that this time round she's not here to nag at me for being heartless etc.. and try to interfere me (it'll make my job more difficult). Somehow brother worry about Iggy.. which I explained is uncalled for coz' I'm an experienced mother of 2, I think the "dump and go and don't think too much about it" works. But for my brother who studies Psychology he has a different school of thoughts. I can't blame him, afterall Iggy's their 1st child. And perhaps too, Aricia is the 2nd child and usually 2nd child more independent and mature so I have a different mindset. I tried explaining that the more hesistant you're to let go, the more the child will be hesistant too. Of course when he also listens to my mom and mom worries alot about "what ifs", they'll make Iggy spoilt and too protected. Don't get me wrong, it's every parents to protect their child. But I feel there's a limit to it, moreover children are really smart these days.. they'll surprise you. In other words :- "WAKE UP PARENTS! WE'VE BEEN TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF!!

To make me understand children better, I'd have to take up a course. Practical helps more than theory and .........as it is my children do leave me confused. And I'm already exhausted to dwell too much into their behaviour, I should dwell on writing a book on dealing with difficult children. And I must make sure this goes into BESTSELLER, those books I read are really rubbish, nobody's child as difficult to handle as mine. I make sure I write a big dedication with her name ATHENA spelled big. What those books write are what I already know.

Left to collect KZ's work permit but I forgot the letter. Arghs! Wasted trip! Either I pop by Sep21 or Ikea at 10am. I popped by Ikea to get a shelf to reorganise their room. I need to get more Stiles for Athena, perhaps next week. Asked KZ to help me with the shelf, left to pick Aricia up. She said goodbye to everyone, charming girl!
I talked to the teachers and realised the grace period is up, so parked at a shaded area for the next 30 mins for bread. She napped, I tried to plan their schedule. Can't think, I'm tired as I only had 3 hours of sleep. Brought the fan, she managed to sleep through.
I guess I'll have to try to sleep at 10pm, goash! no more late nights myself too!
Drove off before one hour is up, to another place. Hot like crazy! I only have another 10 mins to wait but it was 10 hours in that car.
Left at 1.30, at her gate 1.37pm. This time the teacher had a loudspeaker, announcing licence plate number. Oh no! She don't even know the number. I moved the car further up and came down to find her. So happened she walked out at the time I told her to come out. Hee! I asked if she was being blocked behind by other children. "No mummy, I play with Shannon behind." with her performance today.I forgot it's the last day her buddy is going to help her, I forgot to pack something for her friend. Told her in the night, we can try to bake something over the weekend for her buddy, which she don't even know her name. *sigh* But she did tell me she's a "white girl" - caucasian. And I'm thankful she did play with her today after her meal, waffles.

I brought the 2 of them to FnR for play. It's a reward I told Athena since her long day will officially start in Feb. And not all the time I'll bring her out. During the week, I did try to psycho her the advantage of being in Primary school. If she co-operates with me with whatever she needs to do, I can bring her out. Perhaps you might think I'm crazy, I drilled her for the past years and now I'm relaxing. It's akan-datang since their curriculum are what K2 do. And she knows what she's doing. I hope this time round, I'll be able to put through more learn through play for Athena.Plus, must try to see if can cope with 2 children at home. Don't forget home sessions for Aricia is in the afternoons.. I want to have one day where we can do things together eg. bake or crafts. Hmm.....time-table still hanging in the air.

In the night, she prepared everything herself. Good job! She only needs reminder to put her school shoes in the toilet for wash.