The wild hare (me) went ballistic

This evening is so memorable!

The rest of the day on 25th May is supposed to be a peaceful one, having the intention of getting a small cake for my girl to celebrate her turning 41 months old, but it had to end in a different note (no pun intended)

Infact it was at her music lesson which made me so mad. I don't know for what reason she didn't do or want to participate in anything today. Had to tell her to do so alot of times before she'll do it. By then the song ends.. she only did two songs. I simply don't understand what the heck she wanted. If she had wanted to get my attention - oh well she did for the next 2hrs +. I spoke to her nicely so many times to sing and do what she has to do, she just refused and stared at me. Gave her lots of chances, asked her if she wanted to go home now.
A : No
M : No. Then sing. If not we're going home
A : No I dowan to go home
M : Then sing
I can't remember how many times I repeated these sentences with her.
Mom came down to talk to her,was also mad with her performance. She coaxed her to do it etc..even offering to do it with her.
That stubborn girl still refuse.
At that point, I just stood up while the class in still on. Walked to keep the stools and told Peggy that I had to leave the classroom. I think Peggy saw my face turning black, and even said "cool down". Girl saw the look on my face & started brawling "I want mummy. I want mummy.." -which she always does when she gets punished from me. I walked back to pull girl by her hand (which mom told me not to hold her hand in that way coz' it'll break her arms etc..), at that time I just wished I can break her arms. I had that much anger in me. I walked out of the class on my own while girl was still crying. I don't know if my mom felt embarrassed at that moment, but I was. It was definitely the first time a mother walked out of Peggy's class - or I may be the first in the whole of Yamaha school to walk out of a class.
I don't think I can blame my raging pregnant hormones for my behaviour at that time.
Wait a minute!! Isn't a music lesson something to be enjoyed and not forced? Yes, I know. But I know my girl can do it; she just didn't want to do it. Alot of times, I've seen some other kids also refusing to do anything in class but their mothers never responded the same way as I did. So, can I blame my raging hormones for that; or is it my expectation from her? My expectation, as always explained to my girl, is you spent the same amount of time doing something- so do it well rather than a slipshod job. Perhaps you- as the reader- & seeing things from a different perspective will feel that things have to be nurtured and not forced. I don't deny I agree that things have to be nurtured but it's the personality of my child which force me to do what I did/ or have been doing all these while.
Anyway, back to the scenerio. I couldn't take it but to whack her hands outside the ballet studio. Mom said "I know how angry you are now, I felt very angry also, this one.. pull her out and discipline her outside." Well, I didn't have to listen to her to know that I had to discipline her there and then; my head was wild and I couldn't help but to whack her hard and scold her in public. Didn't want to stay longer in TM anymore, since she wasn't obeying me, she gets no chance to have her gai-gai and play in ToysRUs. Mom wanted to come with her incase I kill her granddaughter, I said "no. I'll drive you back home and you're not coming with me."I didn't want anybody to interefere when I punished my child. What more, girl will know she has another pillar of support from the grandma, so whatever I've been whacking her for will go down the drain."I guess mom had no choice but to tell me to "go lightly". When I'm mad, I speak like a ballistic mad woman "don't worry, you won't get to see your grandchild tomorrow. I will kill her tonight."
Honestly speaking I was screaming my head off in the car and scolding her for her actions. All girl did was to cry "I want mummy...I want mummy..."hoping to gain some sympathy. But sorry - when you are dealing with an insane person, nothing works!
While screaming I was also afraid that I may lose my cool, concentration and judgement while driving - and choy! end up in an accident. So had to go slow in middle lane. That gives me a longer time to scream at her (and not forgetting a hoarse voice after that). I dunno.. I just gotta show her I MEAN BUSINESS today.

*********************************************************************************************
THE DRAWBRIDGE(carpark) AT PUNGGOL :
In the car, she wanted me to hold her hand and help her down from her carseat. "No! One more sentence from you and it gives me another reason for me to whack you more."
At the carpark, she was still trying & hoping that I'll hold her hand (which gives her a sense of security). She kept asking me to hold her hand but I simply refused. Mad I may be, but I will not pose anything danger to her. I made sure there are no cars and walked alongside to ensure that no cars will come up suddenly. ( I remember I went tsk tsk in the case of a mother who was so mad with her son and walked across the road herself; leaving the son to cross the road. And the lady from a car quickly rushed out to carry the boy. I mean I've been mad too, I know the mother just can't think sensibly herself and just wished the son's dead. Many times I just wish I can break her arms; throw her down the building; throw her down from 3rd floor from where Yamaha is. All these will solve the heartpain) She was crying and asking me to hold her hand. Umm... people looked at us.

THE DUNGEON AT PUNGGOL
When I saw the wooden door ajar, hubby was home early. He came out to see us, but I told him to leave us alone as she's given me the ultimum and she's going to get a thrashing from me today. He walked back and the punishment starts. Brought out the trusty cane and beat her a few times.
Next punishment : the method mom used on me - kneel on the floor; pull her ears and chilli sauce (suppose to be chilli padi, but I dun have it) on her lips. Which made her cry even harder. She was crying for me; daddy which we ignored her.
I sat down and spoke to her. And she answered accordingly with 'yes & no.' At one point, I mentioned about how much I love her and bought her things she wanted and everytime I see something she likes; I'll buy it for her eg. her favourite vegetable snacks. And then she said "mummy that day I go Botanical Gardens you buy for me vegetable snacks. You put alot of things in my schoolbag, I eat and eat." Dunno to say I was angry with her or what.. here I am telling her off; here she is conversing with me while pulling her ears. "mummy bought you so many things. Then a simple request- by asking you to listen to me, you can't do it."
She knelt at the corner for an hour plus until I put her small plate with two slices of bread and water for her to drink (as the 2 of us did not have dinner at all). She finished the bread; rushed to put the plate in the sink; ran back to the corner and went into her punishment pose. I don't know to laugh at her or what.. Let her continue the post for the next 15 minutes until I told her to come to where we are. At this time, she dare not ask for daddy's sympathy. She didn't pretend to cry.
Come 10+pm, I told her to follow me to her room and brought her music bag with me. Obediently, she did everything so well. See, what I mean??

Grandfather
At dunno what time dad call to ask about Athena when she was still kneeling down in the 'Punishment Corner'.
M: Punishment
Him: Call her to the phone
M: No.
Him: Is this how you discipline your child? (slams down the phone)

I was F@#*-ing mad at him for saying that to me. The least I want is to leave me to discipline the child without any interference from anybody. Which explains why I didn't want mom to come over. Coz'girl will know that she can rely on someone; grandma's heart goes soft; go forward to hug her; - then what is the lesson learnt??
I was prepared to quarrel with him or anyone who steps in (yes! even if it means they're my in-laws). And I heard too the next day (26th) that brother and grandpa was heart-pained.

Post punishment
Although I threaten to kill her grandchild, I didn't do it. Well, at least I didn't want to end up the rest of my life in guilt and in jail. Joke aside, I didn't have the heart to do it. Infact, although I was really mad at her. The cane slashes were done when she had her cardigan on. Then I pulled down her cardigan and let her kneel in that hot corner.
How should I phrase it? Any mothers would agree with me that in a fit of anger- harsh words; vulgarities all come out from the mouth. But then we were the ones who shared that close bond with the child for 9 whole months, any beatings I gave her I felt the pain myself. It is heart-breaking for me to do that. I broke down and cried in the kitchen while cooking my instant noodles-hubby saw my teary eyes.