Cortisol level up

Just so many things happening around me. I’m too stressed. 

Worried about lil’ one (which is a lot of things), angry with lil’ one not taking care of herself her tonsillitis, worry about something else, my iMovie pressure. I mean it’s suppose to be happy thing right since going another holiday. iMovie pressure is quite silly but I guess I do get aggitated and gancheong easily. Then another stupid thing that add on to my stress and bad mood. 

Then insomnia, my blood pressure went up. 155/122. It’s damn high I thought the machine is spoilt. Doctor said it’s high. It’s not supposed to be that high! My blood pressure is normal so to see these “hitting the roof” numbers is scary. Must be all the insomnia and bad sleep causing the high bp. I choose to think that is the cause and not because of another stupid bor-liao thing that someone is making me even more stressed.

For the last few weeks my sleep has been interrupted. Tossing and turning but cannot sleep. 2am, 3am, 4am my eyes still big big like owl. I’ve been doing lots of deep breathing as my lungs seem to be heavy, as if someone is sitting on my chest. Can’t be the pillow right? I’ve already changed my pillow to the cradlesloth pillow. And that was the bestest pillow I ever slept on! Then I don’t know why but hubby has been more aggressive in his sleep now, he’s been fighting with someone in his nightmare. He has talked and then punched me 😂, then scratched me when he sleeps on his left side. I hope I’m not the person in his nightmare. When he sleeps on his right side, he has knocked down things from the side table. This has been ongoing for many months, but it has gone worse the past few weeks. So when I’m trying to sleep suddenly he punch or scratch me. For the last few weeks, I’ve been trying hard to sleep. Exhale out slowly thru my mouth wondering if I’d die in my sleep coz I have trouble breathing in the night. Seems an eternity but still can’t sleep. When I am about to doze off, he comes and punch / scratch me. Wah… then I cannot sleep again. Earplugs on to block out his snoring, lavender oil on wrists to coax me to orh orh and now I need to put a pillow behind me. Yet he can push the pillow to my back. Wah…..why he keeps having nightmares? 

My heart heavy my head heavy. Been having headache for past 2 weeks. I probably need to go to a temple and meditate. I actually did play some Buddhist songs just to calm myself down. 

Too stressed until my menses didn’t come. Which is not what I want coz I prefer to go on a holiday without the hassle of having my menses. But yes it means I’m under stress. So leychey! Somemore going china where gotta squat in toilet. I can’t squat properly. No bidet. Wah piang eh. 

Then I have another worry. My health check report came back. I definitely need to monitor and do another mammogram again. Sob sob.. women basically go thru torture to kiap the neh neh. It’s so painful. Just hope it’s nothing serious. Pap smear also not done yet in my health checkup, hopefully I’m healthy. 

Then some bloody nonsense from …. Fuck lah! World so much problem and still gotta add this borliao thing.

Think you may not know what I’m typing, my words are incoherent now. I type as I think, I think with everything jumbled up. Just know that I’m angry, I’m worried, I’m stressed.