Stuck in a rut

I woke up this morning not really in a high drive ready to FIGHT in FightDo class but still dragged my body out of the house as I had to send lil' one to school. Usually I have a small pocket of time in between where I will sit in the car and close my eyes to nap; or quickly go to the stalls and order lil' one and mom's lunch and instruct on time of collection; or a quick drop by in NTUC to pick up some groceries. There's never a time where I can simply do my stuffs and have no worries about needing to do something as well. I think I should just seclude myself in a deserted island. No wait! I need wifi, secluded island is not a good idea. Maybe a resort with wifi and room service so I can stay inside for days and no worries about houseworks that need to be done; meals to cook; picking or sending a kid from/to school; send to therapy sessions etc.. 

I'm simply emotionally drained and stressed. I have a long list of ''to-do list'' but I can't seem to finish anything and I can't take it anymore. I was feeling very hungry so sat down for a toast meal. My mind and heart is not even here, so I sent a message to Dawn telling her that ''Am here in OTH but I'm in no mood to exercise. I will skip class. My body is here but my mind heart and legs are not. Too many things to do on my phone, so will take the time to do it now coz everyday so busy until no time.'' 

On my phone alone, I have too many things to do. (1) Blogging - which you’ll only get to read this post months later I think but hope not. I mean…blogging is not a die die must do but it's one way which I document things down so that in years to come I have something to read. (2) iMovie is not a die die must do but … it's something that I would want to organize the holiday videos and photos. I don't bring video camera out now so everything is recorded on my phone. It'll be a shame if I stop having anymore recordings in the childrens' lives. 
I do have photobooks to do too. The holidays. I'm not sure if they will throw it out one day but I'm sure if there's something memorable in the first place, nobody in their sanest mind would throw it out. The kids, we can flip back the album when we're old and wrinkly. 

I don't have the luxury time to do it coz I have no help at home. Even if I left the housework undone for one day, the next day the work just piles up. Not like somebody can take over for me. I looked around the house on things I need to do - redo the mosquito netting; getting the shadowbox to store the fridge magnets; painting the house pre-prep. Just know when it comes to re-painting the house I am the one and only person to call the painter; move/pack certain things away; cleaning after.   

It's just like I have a hobby but I can't even find the time to do it. Just one day of imovie can take me an extremely long time to do as I don't religiously go back to it everyday. Sometimes it can be months later when I go back to it. OMG! I still have all the way back to 2019 imovies I need to do. 

So once I clear the imovies, only can I clear my phone camera roll. It's that same feeling when there's just too many things / too cluttered your life just feels like a mess. It's the same with my phone. I feel like I have no sense of direction, everything is a mess coz my phone is in a cluttered mess.

I thought great I'll get some time to do a little of stuffs today during that hour (from 10 to 10.50), pack food and then dilly dally walk to where Gongcha that area to look see look see. And guess what? Even before I can relax and take slow breathes, that girl called me at 11am to tell me she's dismissed earlier for lunch. OMG! This makes me feel like I'm on SB like that. Can't do what I want to do and had to proceed immediately to her school with her lunch.

Even working adults have time of their own, I'm a SAHM and I don't!! I had to devote my time to the family. TMD! 

I really need a time to do nothing. Just music - I need music and then sit down n stare n do nothing. 48yrs and ….sometimes I wonder if my life would have been better without kids?? 

Hobby

I thought people say the older the kids are; the more we parents are more relaxed and can have time to do own stuffs? Not true in my case. Makes me wonder when would I really have time for hobby. Now the BIG question is “what is my interest? What do I like?” I like cute decorated cookies and cute cartoon food but who eats?  

Maybe can crochet, fix puzzle but it’ll mean more clutter in the house. Only thing I can do is to READ! By time will my mind has lesser things running inside? 

Massage

Last week coz mom was at TP, I went massage. I haven't stepped in Wanyang for quite some time. That was a well deserved break to release the tensed muscles. I wish I can do this more often.