Survival

My life is so miserable. I've been more grumpy than ever, more foul-mood. When we sent KZ off at the airport weeks ago, the check-in staff said "the kids are going to miss her." I answered her "no. I will miss her." hoping that KZ would be so touched and decide not to go on her home leave.

I'm not going to put this icon , which I did the last Survival Course entries I posted years back coz' I hardly ever survived. Am dying soon!!! I'm literally working every minute, every second. The work is never ending. @#$^%! TMD!

I'm really pissed coz' the kids are making me work those dumb jobs. I nag and tell them to keep their things; they either take too long or forgot or .... clear away from here and put it another place. Argh!! It's like a whole bloody cycle. In order for me to do some housework, I asked them to play in a certain place. Then with 2 of them playing and messing up the place. I tell them to keep, and then continue doing housework, come back to see nothing done etc... then I start to nag.

Housework - I'm doing the necessary and a whole lot of unnecessary things. Mom says should not do too much, but what to do when I inherited her "clean" genes. I need my house to be clean, and supposedly if I see a small strand of hair on the floor I will pick it up; see some markings on the wall I will clean it up. Therefore I am really 走到哪里做到哪里. Towels boiled and scrubbed; rugs soaked in hot water and scrubbed the next day; laundries. OMG! My kids change like nobody's business. My house needs to be tidy too. I am not aiming for a 'designer look' house with practically nothing strewn outside, I do have the necessary things out but things that are meant to be kept; are kept. So naturally when my kids throw and walk away from the mess, I get fed up. Eyesore for me....know what I mean.
When KZ was around, was so much easier to handle them coz' I didn't have to interfere with the housework and was only busy with them. Even if they did mess up, we have 2 adults (KZ and myself) cleaning up, the aggitation is definitely lesser - I scold lesser than now. Damn! Now I'm overpowered by 2 terror kids. Hubby don't even help out, he comes home exhausted from work and have the time to sit infront of the TV. Me? Busy from the time I woke up till I crawl to bed. No time to watch TV!! I was even so busy to the extent that I forgot to take my antibiotics the whole day.

This survival course is also on testing my sanity and hearing. I get a girl who keeps repeating her sentence without a break; who fights things her way; who rebels more as she's growing up each day. Remember I mention before that this lil' girl can make up her own mind? Oh boy! She argues with me each day; every hour. She challenges me. She fights vocally with me. She sounds like a gangster. Oh! My girl did throw her bag at her che-che this week just coz' she wanted to insist things her way. Highly unreasonable/demanding girl + housework + facing them 24/7. Argh! I need to "TIMEOUT FROM THEM!!"

I've put on weight too. Must be wondering how the heck I put on weight when I've been working non-stop. It's the diet, KZ had been cooking for me so that I eat very timely on the dot and before 7pm. Without her, I'm already so tired having to cook for the kids and clean up kitchen, my mind goes blank to what healthy food I should have for that meal. In the end, opt for bread; instant noodles which are *gasp* fattening! By then after feeding mei-mei (she makes terrible mess eating on her own) and cleaning up, it'll be past 7pm.

How did people manage to cope without hiring a helper? I'm sure they must have lacked in some areas. For a perfectionist me, I need to ensure that my kids are faring okay in school; I need my house to be clean and clutter-free; and (if possible) minimize consuming too much of outside MSG-ladened food. Based on this current situation now where she was granted leave on a school holiday month, I don't think I can cope that well on school days when I need to "teach them individually". (at least now I still can close one eye to the work che-che do or defer it the next day if can't complete in time)

I intend to go helper-less in 2 years time. But I have a feeling that I'll turn more grouchy. Part-time helper? Sounds good for the big big jobs, then there are daily jobs that need to be done on the spot, how to wait for her to do when she's there? Or.... laundry.... am I suppose to have 5 sets of school uniforms? Ehh... actually I have 4 sets of che-che's uniform; 2 sets of mei-mei's. We change their school uniform daily. If hire one that comes in 3X a week, still gotta stay at home. Then turn out I'm stuck in my own home. Then with that amount, might as well go and hire one helper. Hmm... still have 2 years to consider. Maybe by then I change my mind and decide to have a helper after that; or maybe my girls wise up by then and know how to avoid having their mummy turned into a NAGGY MONSTER.

Meantime, counting down to another 11 more days. When she comes back, I will not only hug her but kiss her!!